


Quick Draw

by NachoDiablo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Sirius Black, because that trope is tired, but not to sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 19:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9507989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NachoDiablo/pseuds/NachoDiablo
Summary: Sirius has never been a fan of thinking things through, but Remus is always there to keep him grounded.A quick peek at the couple from their first trip on the Hogwarts Express through the AU conclusion in 1981.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm wolfstar trash at heart, so when this idea came to me, I had to write it out.

Sirius can’t wait to get to Hogwarts. His cousins are always twittering on about the food not being conducive to their yo-yo dieting, the headmaster being a nutter, the mudbloods littering the hallways. Sirius doesn’t care about mudbloods or diets. Sirius would go to Hogwarts even if it was full of trolls and banshees. He would cheerfully dine on cucumber and salmon, his two least favorite foods, every evening. Hogwarts is away from his parents. That’s enough of a draw for him.

 

_Change out of those grungy trousers immediately and put on a skirt. You will not embarrass the family on your first day at school. You will behave like the proper young lady you are._

 

Sirius bristles at his mother’s words, because he’s _not_ a young lady. He’s already told her this, two years ago. It hasn’t come up again, though he still has the scars on his back proving that she understood him perfectly well.

 

It doesn’t matter, not any more. As soon as he bids farewell to his parents at platform 9 ¾ and boards the Hogwarts Express, Sirius rushes to the loo, the bloke’s loo, the _proper_ loo, and discards his blouse and skirt. He pulls on a pair of muggle jeans and a red t-shirt, nicked from a store in London during an outing. His hair is in a plait. Ultimately he decides he likes it long, and does not chop it off with his pocket knife as originally planned, though he does discard the ugly ribbon tied at the end.

 

As he steps out of the loo, a tall boy with dark skin, messy hair and glasses pushes past him, muttering _oi mate, outta the way,_ as he checks his reflection and groans. Sirius notices that his teeth are purple, and can’t help but laugh. The tall boy turns to glare at him, but Sirius notices the corners of his mouth turning upwards. Eventually both boys are laughing.

 

_Stupid greasy-haired git hexed me when I went in his compartment. Just cuz I teased him a bit for wanting to be in Slytherin. Proved me right, didn’t he, about all Slytherins being wankers._

 

_Mate, my whole family has been Slytherins for generations, and they’re definitely all wankers.  Including my bint cousin who’s used that tooth hex on me before. I can counter it if you want. Unless you’re looking to make a bold fashion statement at the sorting._

 

The boy laughs, slapping Sirius on the back. _You’re all right, mate. Name’s James Potter. Get my teeth fixed up and then we can plot revenge over some pumpkin pasties._

 

Sirius is grinning, already coming up with a slew of hexes to toss at the Slytherins, seeing as there’s no way he’s going to be one. He’s through with doing as his family tells him to.

 

Later on, when Professor McGonagall pulls him into her office to discuss exactly why the stairs to the girls dormitory would not let him in, Sirius wavers a bit, worried that this stern woman, who spoke sharply to him prior to the sorting about not climbing into the suit of armor outside the great hall, will agree with his mother that Sirius is indeed a young lady. When she instead tells him to haul his trunk up to Potter’s dorm, calling him _Mr. Black_ , he throws his arms around her tightly, and possibly one tear creeps out of his eye and onto her robes, although neither of them will ever acknowledge it.

 

Potter is unsurprised to see him again- _knew you’d be back, mate, dunno why they’d try to put you in with the birds in the first place_ \- and is keen to introduce Sirius to his other dorm mates, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin. Pettigrew hangs onto Potter’s every word like he’s some sort of rock star, and Sirius can’t help but tease him a bit more than he should. Lupin is quiet, not saying much, though when they are alone together brushing their teeth before bed, Lupin shyly mentions that he likes Sirius’ plait. Sirius reckons he’s an alright bloke.

 

*******

 

It’s two full moons into second year when James and Sirius get Remus to admit to his furry little problem. The four marauders have been thick as thieves since that first night at Hogwarts, but Remus has always remained a little more reserved than the other boys. After a year of increasingly threadbare excuses from Remus, and two months of cringeworthy hint dropping from James- _gee Remus, you really wolfed down your dinner last night, you must have been howling to get back to the library_ -, Sirius has had enough.

 

He pushes his way past Remus’ bed curtains and stares down at the tawny haired boy. _We know you’re a werewolf, mate. So you can stop with the crap excuses for why you’re going to be away tonight._

 

There’s a screech from Peter’s bed, indicating that perhaps not all the marauders were aware of the issue at hand, but neither Remus nor Sirius notice. Their eyes remain locked, sharp silver piercing into warm amber, until the tears welling up in Remus’ eyes start overflowing, his bottom lip trembling, and before Sirius knows what’s happened he’s been bowled over onto the floor and Remus is locked in the showers.

 

 _Way to be tactful, you git._ James is irritated. _Now you’ve gone and upset him, right before he has to tear himself to bits. We had a plan, didn’t we, to break the news to him gently so he wouldn’t, oh, say, lock himself in the bloody loo? You can’t follow a plan to save your life._

 

Sirius scowls. _I can too follow a plan. I’m a marauder, all we ever do is plan brilliant pranks. I just-_ He stops. He doesn’t know what to say- that he doesn’t want Remus to spend even one more minute thinking they’ll hate him, that he wants to hug Remus tightly before he has to leave, that he wants to be there for Remus when he’s recovering in the hospital wing the morning after. James and Sirius spied on him from under the invisibility cloak after the last moon, and Sirius had been shaking as he watched Remus rest fitfully on his hospital cot, looking weak and pale, and so very alone.

 

James is speaking soothingly through the door, trying to coax Remus out, assuring him that he nothing has changed, that he’s still a marauder. Peter is still sitting bewildered on his bed, looking nervous. Sirius ignores him. He’ll come around eventually. If James is fine with it, Peter will be fine with it, because Peter never dares to disagree with James.

 

Sirius sits next to James. _Moony, mate … we still love you. You’re just a bit more badass once night a month, is all. Rest of the month, you’re still our stodgy, boring, lovely-_

 

The door opens a crack. One amber eye peeks through. _Moony?_

 

Sirius grins. _That’s your nickname now. It’s like you have a secret identity, innit? Very punk rock._

 

Remus bursts out laughing. _You’re ridiculous. I can’t believe that you- well actually, I can believe it. I can absolutely believe that Sirius Black doesn’t mind being mates with a werewolf._ He laughs again, but he’s crying a bit as well. James pulls him in for a hug, with Sirius piling on top of the both of them, running his fingers through Remus’ soft curls. James coughs sharply and glares at Peter until he comes over and pats Remus on the shoulder awkwardly.

 

*******

 

Two weeks into third year is when Sirius awakes to stomach pains and a small smear of blood on his sheets. James is shrieking about Slytherin hexes and the goblin plague he’s read about in History of Magic. Peter is turning green as he runs to the loo, claiming sensitivity to blood.

 

It’s Remus who sits next to him on the bed, a flush on his cheeks as he quietly suggests the correct explanation. _Mum told me about the birds and the bees last summer and it was, er, a very thorough talk._

 

Sirius is silent as he mulls over what this means. _It means I’m a girl, doesn’t it. My mum was right, I’ve just been- what am I playing at, I’ll never- but that can’t be right, it just can’t be-_

 

Remus has his arms tightly wound around Sirius, who buries his face into the taller boy’s neck. He realizes with a start that he’s crying. It’s an ugly cry, with hiccoughs and snot, but Remus just holds him tighter. James is beside himself, fussing alternately over Sirius and Peter, who’s hiding in the showers and threatening to spew. Remus remains calm, quiet as always, one hand stroking down Sirius’ back.

 

_It’s okay, Sirius. It doesn’t change anything. You’re still the same bloke you always were. Just … now you have to deal with your body going a bit mad once a month. I wonder what that’s like?_

 

Sirius looks up to see Remus grinning at him cheekily. He bursts into giggles as he burrows into the front of Remus’ night shirt, conspicuously wiping his nose on it. Remus shrieks and pushes him off, casting a scourgify and threatening Sirius with a bat-bogey hex.

 

_Oi, Moony, you’ve talked some sense into this prat, have you? Sirius, get your lazy arse out of bed and come to the hospital wing with me. Poppy’ll have something to take care of this. S’not right for a bloke to have to bleed his own blood off the quidditch field._

 

Madame Pomfrey is sympathetic, but there’s not much she can do, really. _You’re not of age, Mr. Black. There are treatments that would help as you go through puberty, but without parental permission, I’m afraid I can’t-_

 

 _Parental permission? It’s his own body, innit? I love my mum but I wouldn’t want her making decisions over my- my bits!_ James is blushing, but he’s standing tall and looking the nurse straight in the eye. _There has to be something you can do. Bloke’s in pain, isn’t he? D’you have to call his mum every time he gets an ache? You didn’t call them when he got hexed with that monkey’s tail last term, you just fixed it. Same thing here, innit, something barmy going on that needs a fix._

 

Madame Pomfrey’s eyes soften as she looks over at Sirius, pursing her lips as she thinks. _Mr. Black, it is sometimes the case that menstruation can cause debilitating pain that needs to be treated. I believe that this is just such a case. I can give you a monthly potion that will suppress your cycle. It’s not as effective as some of the hormonal treatments that we can pursue once you are of age, but it should help for now._

 

Sirius is elated as they leave the hospital wing. James is prattling on about some ridiculous plan to attract Evans by charming her textbooks to serenade her, but Sirius has other things on his mind. Without warning, he grabs James and charges down the hall towards the one-eyed witch statue.

 

_What the hell, mate, where are we going?_

 

_Hogsmeade, obviously._

 

_Sirius, it’s the middle of the morning. We have class, and we don’t have the cloak. I sit next to Evans in Charms class, Sirius! I need to get in my daily dose of pining._

 

_Jamie, we need to celebrate! We’ll grab some butterbeers and bring them back for the boys to celebrate tonight._

 

_It’s a Tuesday, mate, we can’t-_

 

_We can, James, we can and we will. Now come off it, Miss Rosmerta loves me, she’ll not say anything. You know James, you should give up on Evans and go for a real woman like her. Bet she knows her way around a-_

 

_Stuff it, you tosser! Merlin’s balls, if we get caught-_

 

_We won’t._

 

_You’re going to wind up in Azkaban one day._

 

_You’ll break me out. Git._

 

*******

 

Fourth year is a trying year for Sirius. He is moody from the moment he boards the train, having come off a tedious summer of parental lectures and cousin taunts. His favorite cousin, Andi, has dared to procreate with a _mudblood_ , causing all sorts of drama. In between mocking Sirius for _acting like a boy_ —as if that’s supposed to offend him—Bella and Cissa have spent the summer bemoaning their wayward sister’s poor choices.

 

Fourth year is the year Sirius starts stealing Remus’ jumpers, wrapping himself in baggy layers even though the weather is still quite warm. James mocks him for abandoning his preferred muggle concert tshirts. _Did you forget your sense of style at home, mate? The marauders are going to lose our cool factor if we have two swotty members when we’ve only allotted for one._

 

Remus doesn’t say anything. Sirius notices that Remus watches him a little more closely, noticing how the normally cocky boy no longer stands up straight. Slumps in his seat. Lays curled on his side in bed rather than sprawled out on his back.

 

Sirius sees James and Remus whispering to each other over the next few days. They always claim to be talking about homework, which Sirius knows is a lie. James does not do homework ahead of time. He scribbles his essays in the halls on the way to class, using Peter’s back as a writing desk.

 

Sirius is working on the map, the map that’ll be finished once Remus adds the final charms to the third floor, when he sees the two dots labelled _James Potter_ and _Remus Lupin_ heading out one of the secret passageways. He waits for the dots to reappear, for it to be a mistake, but the corridor remains dot-free.

 

He barges into the dormitory, throwing himself on Peter’s bed. _Where the bloody hell did they go?_

 

Peter looks nervous, shifting his eyes from the door to the ceiling, never meeting Sirius’ gaze. _Er, I’m not sure, really … they just said they’d be in … the library?_

 

 _Try again._ Sirius is practically growling now. _I saw them head out the secret passageway, Peter. They’ve been acting odd all week. They’re doing something aren’t they, some sort of prank and they don’t want me-_

 

 _No, it’s not a prank! It’s-_ Peter snaps his mouth shut. _It’s … I guess the two of them wanted to do something alone together? Yes, that’s it. Yes they just, er, wanted a bit of time to hang out, you know._

 

Sirius walks slowly over to his own bed, flopping down onto his belly. He doesn’t like the idea of James and Remus hanging out without him. Especially Remus. His Moony. He has always been Remus’ closest friend. What could be going on that would make Remus go to James rather than Sirius? Maybe he’s noticed. Maybe he’s noticed what’s making Sirius so uncomfortable. Maybe he’s noticed, and now Remus is the uncomfortable one.

 

Sirius feels his stomach tighten at that thought. He does not want Remus to feel weird around him. He likes the way things are. He likes the way Remus is always calm, always understanding. Sirius knows that he and James can be a bit cruel when it comes to hexes and pranks. He likes having a friend like Remus, who is always kind. If someone as kind as Remus can be his friend, Sirius figures he himself must not be too bad of a person.

 

He hears James and Remus enter the dorm room, laughing at something as they greet Peter. Sirius does not bother to acknowledge them when they call hello to him. He ignores when James calls out from his bed _oi, tosser, get your arse over here._

 

He wants to ignore Remus when he gently asks Sirius to _please come over here, we have something to show you._ He cannot help but perk up, however, when Remus adds _we’ve got a present for you._

 

Beaming, Sirius bounces over to James’ bed, where the other three marauders are sitting in a row, smiling cheekily.   _Well come on, where’s my prezzie? You can’t lure a bloke out of a sulk with false promises, you wankers._

 

James sighs dramatically. _Well, you prat, Moony and I risked life and limb to sneak into the Hog’s Head floo to get to London tonight. I nearly got us lost in Soho, and Moony had to explain to a very rude muggle auror why I yelled at a cabbie for giving us paper bits instead of coins as change. But it was all worth it, for we were able to procure you … this!_

 

Remus rolls his eyes at James as he pulls a box out of his bag and gives it to Sirius. _Chest binder_ , says the label. Sirius swallows hard. Remus had noticed. He’s sure this was Remus’ idea, it has to have been. Sirius once spent an entire day in dog ears without James noticing.

 

 _Well go on, mate, try it on._ James is pulling at his jumper. Sirius laughs and pushes him away. He turns around, his back to his friends, pulling off his jumper and tshirt. He slides the binder on over his head, smoothing it out and slapping James away as he tries to help adjust it. Finally, he pulls the tshirt back on and runs to the mirror. He smiles, straightening his shoulders and giving a flirty wink at his reflection. _This is aces. I didn’t even know this sort of thing existed._

 

_Is it comfortable? Moony spent ages talking with the bird at the shop, trying to figure out your size. He’s going to give you a lecture, I’m sure, don’t leave it on too long, take it off if it starts to pinch, replace it when it becomes loose, blah, blah-_

 

Remus throws a cushion at James, triggering a full-blown pillow fight that lasts until two in the morning. Before Sirius falls asleep, Remus shyly helps him remove the binder. _Sirius … I hope this makes you feel more comfortable than you have been lately, but you know, you don’t need- this isn’t- I want you to wear this because it makes you feel good about yourself, not because you think you need to look a certain way for other people. You’re brilliant just as you are._

 

Remus turns pink as he gives Sirius a quick hug before hurrying into his own bed. Sirius feels his chest pounding as he slides under his own covers. He can’t stop smiling. He is so lucky to have a friend like Remus. Only Remus would endure the hell that is James Potter attempting to navigate muggle London, all to make him feel better.

 

Remembering this night makes everything so much worse a few months later, when Sirius sends Snape out to the Whomping Willow.

 

*******

 

Fifth year is the best bloody year ever. Remus hugs Sirius as soon as he gets on the train, as if the Snape incident never happened. The feeling of forgiveness makes Sirius light on his feet for the rest of the year. He works hard to prove to Remus that he can be a good friend. He showers Remus with Honeydukes chocolate, compliments him frequently on his jumper selection, and presents him with his most treasured New York Dolls tshirt.

 

Remus is a prefect this year. He is supposed to be ensuring that his friends toe the line. In reality, it means that the marauders sneak into the prefect bathroom and have epic water fights. Having access to the prefect rounds schedule only makes pranking easier, and of course, Remus is quick to defend their honor whenever they stand accused- and rightly so, usually- of the latest debacle.

 

Christmas holiday starts off poorly, with Bella popping by to tell Walburga that she’s heard Sirius has been staying in the boys dormitory. Certainly the beating Walburga threatens sounds no fun at all. It takes a turn for the better when Uncle Alphard pops by just when Walburga’s getting all ramped up, and the old poof starts defending Sirius.

 

It becomes the best damn holiday ever when Sirius tells Walburga to go to hell before storming out the front door in the perfect dramatic exit, swooping onto the knight bus with an elegant flick of his wand. He spares no glance to Regulus, who has been cowering behind the Ming vase in the hallway for the past hour. He arrives at the Potter estate in time for supper, regaling Mr. and Mrs. Potter with his harrowing escape as they eat. Before the week is up, he’s met with healers at St. Mungo’s per Poppy’s recommendation and has started on his first dose of testosterone jabs.

 

Packing his jabs into his trunk to take to Hogwarts is the second best part of the holiday. The very best part is when Remus and Peter come round for a visit. Remus has brought a Christmas gift for Sirius, from all three of them. It’s a leather jacket, and it’s absolutely aces. Sirius throws it on immediately, over his ripped jeans and faded anarchy tshirt. _Tell me, on a scale of one to a million, how badass do I look in this?_

 

 _A million and one._ Remus is smiling as he answers, but his ears are pink as his eyes take in Sirius from head to toe. Sirius likes the way Remus is looking at him.

 

People are always looking at Sirius, especially this year. He’s grown a bit taller, and is now the same height as Remus. His features are becoming more angular, and he’s started throwing his long, thick hair up in a messy bun most days. He’s been getting rather fit thanks to Quidditch practices as well, now that he’s a beater, and the birds at school are starting to whisper and giggle when he and James walk down the hall together. He admits to preening a bit under the attention, but he doesn’t have any interest in the girls that twitter mindlessly. Not that he wants someone like Evans who’s too smart for her own good, either. He’s not sure what he wants, exactly, but until he figures it out, he’s not going to waste his time with sycophants. He’s got his mates, after all, so there’s no need for birds.

 

Fifth year keeps getting better after the holidays. They master their animagus transformations, making Remus break down in tears. _I can’t believe you lot would risk Azkaban, just for me- I don’t deserve friends like you- I never thought-_

 

_Stuff it, Moony, or I’ll turn myself in right now and get locked away, just to avoid your blubbering._

 

_Sod off, Prongs, you’d never leave Moony to deal with Wormtail and me alone. He’d go mental in a week putting up with us._

 

_Oi, speak for yourself, Padfoot. I’m not the difficult one in this lot._

 

_Merlin’s pants, all three of you, just- just come over here, okay, and let’s all … play exploding snap, or gobstones, or-_

 

 _Or drink this firewhiskey I nicked from Slughorn’s office._ Sirius rummages through his trunk, finally holding up the bottle triumphantly. He expects Remus to protest, but Remus surprises them all when he grabs the bottle from Sirius and takes an enthusiastic swig.

 

The bottle is three quarters empty. Peter is teaching James the lyrics to a Rolling Stones song, which the two of them are hollering out the window. Remus is lying on the floor, bursting into fits of giggles. Sirius crawls over to lay next to him. He rolls Remus onto his side, lying so close that their noses are practically touching. _What’s so funny, Moony?_

 

 _S’not funny._ Remus is still giggling. _Well, maybe it is. I’m just happy. S’funny that I’m happy._

 

Sirius scrunches up his nose. _Why s’funny that you’re happy?_

 

 _Cuz, Pads. I’m not s’posed to be happy, am I? Just a half-breed. A dark creature. M’not s’posed to go to school, not s’posed to make friends, specially not friends like you lot, the best fucking friends, the best ever …_ Remus trails off, and Sirius realizes that he’s been inching closer and closer to Remus as he’s been talking. Their foreheads are pressed together. Sirius can feel Remus’ curls brushing against his ear.

 

_You’re m’favorite, Pads. Prongs is brilliant, and Wormy tries hard, but you’re … you’re my Sirius. Not everyone gets a Sirius, y’know. M’lucky._

 

Sirius is breathing a bit heavier. He can feel his blood pounding through his veins. There’s a bit of warmth gathering in the pit of his stomach. He assumes it’s the firewhiskey. Must be strong stuff.

 

_Merlin help us if everyone got a Sirius, Moony. Don’t think the world can take more’n one of me. We need more Moonies out there, is what we need. M’lucky too, y’know. You’re bloody perfect._

 

Remus bites his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth. Sirius pulls Remus towards him so his head is resting against Sirius’ shoulder. They fall asleep shortly after, wrapped in each other’s arms.

 

Waking to the sounds of Peter puking in the trash can immediately dashes whatever magic was in the air when they drifted off the night before. They smile a bit awkwardly at each other as they sit up, untangling their limbs. Sirius isn’t embarrassed in the slightest, but then again he’s never embarrassed, so he’s not sure if he’s _supposed_ to be. He feels a warm pressure against his hand. Looking down, he sees that Remus has laced his fingers through his own and given a slight squeeze. He squeezes back, giving Remus a brilliant smile before hurrying over to the loo to spew.

 

Sirius wraps up fifth year by getting straight O’s on his OWLs. He keeps up his jabs, and feels more at home in his skin every day. Evans stops being friends with Snivellus, much to James’ delight. Remus does not perish from over-studying, as some had predicted.

 

During the end-of-year Gryffindor party, after quite a bit of firewhiskey, Fabian Prewett drags Sirius behind a couch and snogs the daylights out of him. It only lasts a minute before Fab disappears back into the crowd, leaving Sirius alone, confused about some things, whilst very, very clear on other things.

 

*******

 

Sixth year is the year that Sirius is going to die. Sixth year is the year Remus comes back to school bloody fucking fit as hell. He is so fit that Sirius nearly falls out of his chair when Remus enters their train compartment after the prefect meeting.

 

 _Merlin’s balls, Moony, what happened to you this summer?_ James is choking on a pumpkin pasty as he coughs out the question.

 

 _Er … what’s that, Prongs? What do you mean?_ Remus looks confused and a bit nervous as his three friends gawk at him, and damn it all if that doesn’t make him look even better.

 

He’s grown tall, a hairsbreadth taller than James, and about two inches taller than Sirius. He’s still thin, but he’s wiry now rather than lanky. His shoulders are a touch broader, his voice is an octave deeper, his honey-brown curls are hanging over one eye in a way that has Sirius aching to brush them back, and he has day-old stubble that’s too bloody sexy to be legal.

 

 _You’re, er, looking quite … different this year, Moony._ Peter waves a hand awkwardly.

 

_Well, I suppose I’ve grown a few inches, but-_

 

_You’re fucking fit, Moony, that’s what I mean. Bloody hell, Pads and I are going to have some stiff competition for birds this year with you running about. You’d better not start fancying Evans or so help me-_

 

Remus is blushing as he laughs. _No worries, Prongs, I’ve no interest in Lily. I promise I’ll keep a low profile to give you and Pads first crack at the birds._

 

 _Like I’d even be interested._ Sirius lets out a snort before he realizes that he’s said that out loud. Three pairs of eyes are looking at him, six eyebrows raised.

 

 _Er … oh, sod it. I like blokes. I’m bent._ If he’s going be adult enough to snog random blokes in London bars, as he’s done quite a few times this past summer, then he might as well be adult enough to tell his closest mates that he’s a poof.

 

James shrugs his shoulders and grabs a chocolate frog from the pile on Sirius’ lap. Remus says nothing, but there’s a small smile dancing on his lips as he peeks at Sirius from the corner of his eye.

 

Peter still looks confused. He’s shaking his head and scrunching up his face, as if trying to work something out. _I don’t get it, Pads. If you wanted to be with blokes, why didn’t you just stay a girl?_

 

The chocolate frog in James’ palm lets out a pitiful _ribbit_ as it’s smothered between his tightening fingers. Sirius rolls his eyes, intent on ignoring the question completely.

 

_Well, Wormy, I like blokes as well. Want me to move into the girls’ dorm, then?_

 

There’s complete silence for about thirty seconds.

 

_Merlin’s pants, Moony, you too? What about you, Wormy, you sure you don’t like blokes? Fuck, do I like blokes? I did think Benjy Fenwick looked pretty fit that one time, when he wore that tight black turtleneck last term._

 

Remus is keeling over laughing. _Prongs, I don’t think you have to worry. I think you might literally only be attracted to Lily Evans. You’ve been after her, and only her, for years now._

 

Peter is more confused than ever, but after noticing that James has not had a negative reaction, he quickly follows suit. _I’m fine with it too, obviously. Completely fine with me, absolutely. Sorry mate, if I said anything daft earlier._

 

 _It’s fine, Wormy._ Sirius leans back casually, throwing his hair up into a haphazard bun, as if he’s not shaking a bit inside. He’s trying to tell himself that he’s irritated at Peter’s thoughtless comment. He knows he’s lying to himself. He’s long past the point of caring what people think about his gender. He’s a nervous wreck because of Remus. Remus, his Moony, likes blokes. His Moony is bent. Sirius is not sure if this is fantastic news or terrible news.

 

_Well, no worries mate, even if half the marauders are into cock, we’re still-_

 

 _I didn’t say I was into cock, James. I said I was into blokes._ Remus has a sharp edge to his words, but Sirius notices how the tips of Remus’ ears are pink as he avoids looking in Sirius’ direction.

 

James notices as well. He’s looking at Sirius and smirking, the git.   _Right, sorry Moony. What I meant to say is, even if half the marauders are into the sweet, sweaty loving that can only be found when one bloke loves another bloke-_

 

_Prongs! Can you please stop smearing chocolate all over my books?_

 

_Oi, that bloody chocolate frog- I blame Padfoot, he shouldn’t have let me nick it in the first place, so it’s really him you ought to be yelling at, Moony-_

 

Sirius tunes out the banter for the remainder of the train ride as he sneaks glances towards Remus. It’s confirmed. Remus being bent is fantastic news, because Sirius is fairly certain that Remus fancies him, and it’s the sort of thing where Sirius knows right away that he doesn’t want to snog anyone else ever again besides his Moony. A grin spreads across his face as he imagines what Remus will say when Sirius declares his intentions, how Remus will swoon into his arms and beg to be kissed into oblivion.

 

It turns out to be more difficult than expected to woo Remus. After weeks of casual touches, winks, and innuendos, Remus still remains at arm’s length. Finally, a few days before Halloween, Sirius can take no more, and corners Remus in the astronomy tower during his prefect rounds.

 

_Oi, Moony, d’you fancy me?_

 

Remus doesn’t answer, but his nervous coughing and wide-eyed expression tell Sirius all he needs to know.

 

_I fancy you, Moony. Fancy the bloody pants off you. So why don’t we give snogging a try, eh?_

 

Remus has his back against the wall. His hands are trembling as he fists the edge of his jumper. Sirius has one hand against the brick on either side of Remus, hips hovering a whisper away from the other boy’s, silver eyes locking into amber.

 

_I- Sirius, it’s not that simple._

 

_Yes, it is that simple._

 

_No, it’s really not._

 

_Yes, it is-_

 

_It’s not, okay? I’m a bloody werewolf, I’m- I’m not supposed to snog people, or have relationships, and even if I was, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with you, because then when it’s over, you’ll leave, and I couldn’t bear that, Sirius, I couldn’t make do without-_

 

His sentence strangles to a halt as Sirius grabs him by the neck and pulls him into a kiss. There is a split second of hesitation before Remus sighs into Sirius’ lips, wrapping him into an embrace.

 

Sirius has had quite a few snogs this past summer, some hot and heavy, some awkward and fumbling, but none like this. None could ever be like this. Remus is soft and sweet, cautious but with an underlying hunger that makes Sirius want to go on like this forever. He sucks lightly on Remus’ bottom lip, making the other boy moan slightly before pulling him in even tighter, running his hands up and down Sirius’ back, pressing their bodies together as if he can’t get them close enough.

 

Eventually they break away, breathing heavy but still tangled in each other’s arms, foreheads touching.

 

_I’d never leave you, Moony. Even if this thing doesn’t work out between us- fuck, Moony, you could hex my eyeballs out and I’d still be your friend._

 

Remus smiles at this. It’s a smile that makes Sirius feel deliciously warm from his cheeks down to his toes.

 

_You know I’m going to do what I want anyway, Moony. And you know you want what I want. Why not just sit back and enjoy the ride for once?_

 

So Remus does.

 

*******

 

Seventh year starts off a bit awkwardly, with James walking in on Remus giving Sirius head.

 

_Augh! Can’t you two learn a proper locking spell? Didn’t you scar me enough over the summer, with your swooning and snogging and lovey dovey tripe?_

 

_Piss off, Prongs, you’re the one who needs to learn to stop barging into private quarters._

 

_Pads, this is a classroom._

 

_So?_

 

_So? It’s half past fucking two on a Thursday._

 

_So?_

 

_So, there’s no reasonable expectation of bloody privacy, you wanker._

 

 _I believe you’re the wanker, Prongs, seeing as I’m the one with a delectable Moony attending to my needs._ Sirius is smirking as Remus blushes, his face buried in his hands.

 

James is grinning like a prat. _Not for long, mate. It’s happened. I’m taking Evans to Hogsmeade this weekend._

 

Remus raises an eyebrow. _That’s brilliant mate, but I have to ask … when you say you’re taking her … she is going with you of her own free will, right? This isn’t a kidnapping situation or something?_

 

_Ta for the support as always, Moony. You git. Yes, the lovely Lily Evans, Head Girl, has willingly agreed to accompany me, the dashing Head Boy, on a proper date. Mark this day, lads, the first day of the most brilliant love story ever told._

 

Sirius chuckles. _You mean the first day of yet another soggy toast, boy-meets-girl tribute to mediocrity. Moony and I are the most punk rock love story of all time, mate. You and Evans haven’t got anything on us._ He sneaks his arms around Remus’ waist, kissing his neck.

 

James rolls his eyes. _Fine, fine, Evans and I are the most brilliant straight, soggy toast love story of all time. Happy now, you drama queen?_

 

_I’d be happier if you’d get your arse out of this room and gave Moony and me our privacy back._

 

 _What on earth- Mr. Black, why are you not wearing any trousers?_ Professor McGonagall is standing in the doorway, her lips pressed into a thin line, looking thoroughly unamused.

 

Sirius grins cheekily. _Come now, Minnie, do you really want me to answer that? Let’s enjoy our last year together, shall we? You look very dashing this afternoon, by the way, I love what you’ve done with your-_

 

_That’s quite enough, Mr. Black. I suggest the three of you head off to someplace where I can claim plausible deniability to whatever it is you’re up to._

 

Remus hurries out the door, dragging Sirius by the hand. _Grab my trousers for me, will you Prongs,_ Sirius hollers over his shoulder.

 

Once they are back in the dorm room, Remus falls onto James’ bed, breaking into a fit of embarrassed laughter. _Pads, you just walked through the corridors in your underpants. Everyone was staring! The fifth year Ravenclaw girls just about swooned._

 

 _Let ‘em swoon, Moony. I’m all yours._ Sirius crawls into bed next to his boyfriend, snaking his hands down his sides, pressing his lips to Remus’ throat. He smiles as he hears Remus let out one of his little sighs. Remus makes all sorts of adorable noises while Sirius is kissing him. It’s been nearly a year since they got together, and Sirius has kissed every last centimeter of Remus by now. Remus is always more than enthusiastic about returning the affection.

 

Sirius likes knowing that he was Remus’ first kiss. He’s been Remus’ first everything, really. Sirius himself had that summer of snogging, but he’d never fancied going too far with a stranger, so Remus has been most of his firsts as well. There’s one first, however, that they’ve not tried out yet. Sirius decides that there’s no time like the present.

 

_Moony, let’s fuck._

 

Remus lets out a yelp and scrambles away from Sirius on the bed. _What, you want to- here? Now? What if Prongs comes back, or Wormtail?_

 

_We’ll lock the bloody door for once. C’mon Moony, I want you._

 

_I- I want you too, Pads, and Merlin knows we’ve talked about it, but- but it’s so sudden- what if it’s no good, what if I’m no good, what if I hurt you-_

 

_Moony, we’ve been doing stuff together for the last year, we hold our virginities in name only, if they’re even intact at all. It won’t hurt. It’ll be fine. It’ll be brilliant._

 

Remus hasn’t said anything, but he moves closer to Sirius, stroking a hand along his cheek before reaching up to undo his bun, letting the long dark waves fall down to frame sharp cheekbones.

 

_I- I want to Pads, but we don’t- we’ve not got any-_

 

 _Prongs has got stuff. He has that box of condoms he bought last year when Evans apologized for bumping into him in the hallway. The git was sure it was a sign she was gagging for him._ Sirius jumps up and rummages through James’ trunk, pulling the box out and wrestling free one of the foil packets. Remus has thrown some locking and silencing charms on the door. He’s flushing crimson as Sirius makes his way back to the bed. Sirius grins wickedly as he whispers, _Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle, Moony._

 

There is some awkward fumbling, and at one point Remus bangs his elbow painfully into the bed frame, but once their clothes are off and their bodies are pressed together, everything flows just as it should. Remus is lying on the bed under Sirius, pale and trembling, looking up in awe at Sirius as he slowly guides him in, sighing and biting his lip as bends down to rest their foreheads together.

 

 _I love you, Moony,_ he whispers. This isn’t the first time Sirius has said those words, or even the hundredth time. Sirius has never been shy about expressing his emotions around the few people he trusts. This time, however, the words feel heavier, more poignant, as he says them with Remus wrapped around him, filling him up, surrounding him completely.

 

 _I love you too, Padfoot._ The solemn look in those amber eyes shows that Remus understands. This is different.

 

Sirius begins to move, enjoying the way he can make Remus gasp and shudder. He loves watching Remus give up control, loves watching him let go of his calm facade, loves knowing that he’s the only one who can make Remus lose himself like this.

 

Suddenly, Remus is sliding his hand between them, making Sirius gasp and lean into the touch. Eventually, after ages and yet far too soon, they crash over the edge together, breathing heavily as they go boneless against the sheets.

 

 _Merlin’s balls, that was aces._ Sirius is lying on his back, cuddling Remus to his chest.

 

Remus sighs contently, reaching up to twirl a lock of dark hair. _You know Pads, your impulsiveness is usually quite annoying, but I have to admit, sometimes it works out alright._

 

There’s a fluttering noise as a charmed note wiggles under the door and flies over to the bed.

 

_When you two ponces are done defiling the dorm, in my fucking bed no doubt, please bring my quidditch helmet out to the pitch before I fall off my broom and crack my skull open._

 

*******

 

Life goes on post-Hogwarts, and at first, it seems that things will work out alright. Uncle Alphard kicks it and leaves a nice chunk of gold to Sirius, allowing him to purchase a flat in muggle London. Sirius is able to convince Remus to move in with him, and after work for the Order starts increasing, Remus doesn’t have time to fret about finding a job or complain about Sirius paying the bills.

 

Having the time and money to consider his options, and thoroughly tired of his binder pinching him, Sirius goes ahead with top surgery. St. Mungo’s does a brilliant job, and he’s left with no scarring at all. He considers other reconstructive surgeries, but they are experimental at best, and James flips out when Sirius describes them. _Mate, there’s no way I’m letting you blast your bits with a wand, especially not for something untested and unnecessary._ Sirius agrees, as does Remus, who is skittish around healers in general, having met quite a few prickish ones in dealing with his post-transformation complications over the years. A few trips to a muggle sex shop allow Sirius to enjoy some versatility without the risk of bit-blasting, much to Remus’ delight.

 

James and Lily marry right out of school, to the surprise of them all, especially James. Sirius has grown to appreciate Lily over the past year, finding her to be quite entertaining company, and a decent partner in crime for embarrassing James. Peter is still around, doing non-essential work for the Order and hanging onto James’ every word.

 

After Lily gives birth to Harry, things start to change. Dumbledore starts asking Remus to do specialized work for the Order. Remus seems nervous and excited at first, and although he can’t share any of the details with Sirius, he does his best to reassure his boyfriend that everything is fine.

 

As the months drag on, however, Remus is less enthused. He starts coming back from his trips drained, with odd wounds that he won’t allow Sirius to heal. His missions stretch from one day to three days to ten days. He doesn’t talk to Sirius as much anymore, spending his nights sitting on the couch, staring listlessly into the fire.

 

Sirius is worried about Remus. He’s worried about a lot of things, actually. The McKinnons have just been killed, the latest in an increasingly long line of casualties. Sirius is no longer certain that they will come out ahead in this war. There are too many near misses, too many failed operations.

 

They ring in 1981 at the Potters’ house, along with their fellow Order members. Sirius is able to forget about the war for a few hours, laughing with James and teasing Peter for wearing perfectly revolting bow tie. His good mood is dashed, however, when he sees Remus sitting in a corner talking quietly to Caradoc Dearborn. Sirius has seen the way Caradoc looks at Remus during Order meetings. It’s the same way he’s looking at him right now. A hungry gaze. Remus seems oblivious to Caradoc’s attentions, but that does nothing to soothe Sirius. He doesn’t want to share Remus’ attentions with anyone, not when they are so sparingly given these days.

 

He’s about to charge over and make a scene when Remus stands up, claps Caradoc on the shoulder and heads over to Sirius. _Pads, I’m so sorry, but … d’you mind if we just go home? I’m not really up to being social right now._

 

Sirius melts a bit at the tired look in those amber eyes. _Of course, Moony. Let’s sneak over to patio and apparate before anyone notices._

 

They’re in bed by eleven, Remus pressing his face into Sirius’ side, whimpering in his sleep fretfully as Sirius strokes his hair, unsure of what to do or how to soothe the man he loves more than anything.

 

There are more deaths, more botches missions. The whispers are starting to whip up into a louder frenzy. A spy. There’s a spy in the order, there has to be, there’s no other way that the Death Eaters could know so many plans ahead of time.

 

James says the marauders would never betray each other. Even as he and Lily escape Voldemort for a second and then a third time, he holds firm his faith in his friends. Sirius is not so sure. No other Order members know enough about James and Lily’s comings and goings to effectively report on them to Voldemort.

 

It can’t be Remus. It can’t possibly Remus. Remus, who looks so worn down, who’s lost his gentle smiles, who clings to Sirius in his sleep, moaning and trembling, yet claims not to remember his nightmares the next morning.

 

It can’t be Peter, either. Even Voldemort wouldn’t be so daft as to use bumbling Wormtail as a spy. He’d crack in an instant, not to mention the fact that he’s never once gone against James in anything, certainly never in anything of importance.

 

It all comes to a head when Remus apparates home one cold day in March. He’s a week past the date he told Sirius he’d be back. He seems out of it, a bit woozy, not hearing a word that Sirius says, not even blinking when Sirius mentions he’s missed his own birthday. He flinches when Sirius pulls him into a hug, shrugging him off quickly and locking himself in the bathroom.

 

Remus spends the next week slipping in and out of sleep on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, unable to meet his gaze with Sirius’. He declines an invite to join Sirius and Peter for a drink, so Sirius pops over to the Leaky Cauldron on his own.

 

 _You seem distracted, Pads. Everything okay?_ Peter looks worried, eyebrows knitted together, and a bit wary as well, as if he wants Sirius to say that everything is fine even if it isn’t.

 

_Yeah, I’m fine, Wormy. Just … Moony’s not doing so well. Think maybe he had a bit of a rough time this past mission, but he won’t talk about it at all._

 

_Oh, that’s … er … I’m sure it’s nothing, Pads. It’s not- well it can’t be that- I’m sure he’ll be fine._

 

Sirius turns to stare hard at Peter, watching the shorter boy’s cheeks turn that odd shade of puce, indicating to his friend that he’s being a big fat liar.

 

_What do you mean, Pete? What can’t it be? What do you know?_

 

Peter sighs. _I don’t know anything, Padfoot. I never know anything. Have you seen James lately? He and Lily settled into their new place yet?_

 

Sirius lets the issue drop for now, but their conversation is still on his mind later that evening when he pops round to see James, Lily and the sprog in their new home.

 

James pulls him out of his thoughts when he tells Sirius about Dumbledore’s plan. _It’s called the Fidelius charm, Pads, and it’ll make us completely inaccessible to Voldemort. He’s after Harry, Pads, I can’t- I signed up to give my life in this war, but I sure as hell didn’t sign away the life of my son. We need you, Pads, we need you to do this for us. Dumbledore says keeping Harry away from Voldemort is part of how we can defeat him, I don’t know the details, something about a prophecy-_

 

_Prongs, don’t worry. Of course I’ll do it. We’ll do this Fidelius thingy for you, and then if we have to, Moony and I’ll go into hiding-_

 

_Actually, Dumbledore said you should go into hiding on your own for a bit. Says he needs Moony for a few more missions._

 

Sirius falls silent. Dumbledore knows that he and Remus are inseparable. He knows damn well that Sirius would pitch a fit about going into hiding at all, let alone going into hiding without his Moony. These missions must be extremely important. Unless …

 

Unless Dumbledore doesn’t trust Remus any longer.

 

It would make sense, if Dumbledore thought Remus was the spy, to separate him from the group this way, so as not to stir up suspicion on either side. Dumbledore might be a batty old man, but he’s a crafty fucker.

 

Still, maybe he’s not the spy, and Sirius is just going paranoid. Regardless, whomever the spy is- and there is most definitely a spy- they will know immediately that Sirius is the Potters’ secret keeper. It’ll be obvious.

 

Too obvious. Sirius mulls things over for about five seconds.

 

_Prongs, you know I’ll do this with no hesitations, but the Death Eaters will know right away that the secret keeper is me. I’m too obvious. What if they find me and kill me before I can get myself into proper hiding? Then the charm will break and you lot will be vulnerable. No, we need someone they’ll never suspect. Someone who’s always been loyal to you, but isn’t a key player in this war. I’ll still go into hiding, to keep up appearances. We won’t even tell Dumbledore we’ve made the switch. It’ll be brilliant, Prongs, don’t you see? It’s the perfect plan._

 

Sirius can’t possibly wait until the morning to talk to Peter. He floos into Peter’s living room at ten o’clock that very evening. _Wormtail! Put on the tea, mate, we’ve got to talk._

 

Peter stumbles out of his bedroom, rubbing one eye with a fist. _Oh dear, you’ve split with Moony then, have you?_

 

_What? Merlin’s pants, why would you think that?_

 

_Er … no reason, Padfoot. What is it you wanted to talk about then?_

 

_Look here, Wormy, stop being cagey with me. You always think you can hide things from us and you really can’t, because you’re a crap liar. Now come over here and tell me what’s making you go all pink and fussy?_

 

Peter sighs, sitting heavily on the couch. _Look Pads, it’s none of my business-_

 

_Don’t care. Spill._

 

_Well … I saw Moony down in Soho, you know, in muggle London. I was running an errand for mum. I suppose it was right when he got back from his last mission. ‘Bout two weeks ago._

 

_Moony only got back a week ago._

 

_Oh? Well, er … maybe he was on a break or something? He was in Soho and he was … well, he was talking to another bloke. They looked awfully cozy, leaning against each other and …_

 

 _And what?_ Sirius’ voice is barely above a whisper.

 

 _And they … snogged a bit. It was very quick! I’m sure it was nothing, just a sort of … friendly snog, you know. Blokes do that sometimes, right?_ Peter looks miserable, shrinking away from Sirius as if he’s afraid of being hit. Sirius can’t say he’s not trying very hard not to swing his fists into the couch, the wall, the fucking fireplace brick.

 

_Are you sure- you must’ve just been seeing things, Wormy._

 

_Yeah, I’m sure that’s what it was. Maybe it wasn’t even him. I mean, I couldn’t be sure, that’s why I didn’t say anything. Didn’t want to upset you, you know? Especially after New Years._

 

_What do you mean, after New Years? What the fuck happened on New Years?_

 

_You know, Pads … when Moony was talking to Caradoc … and he mentioned that- well, I figured that was why you two left early, figured you’d gotten pissed at him._

 

_What did he say?_

 

_I don’t want to repeat it if you didn’t hear, Pads. It’s … it’s not very-_

 

 _What. The fuck. Did Remus. Say. To Caradoc. Fucking. Dearborn._ There’s an unstable tremor in his voice as he tries desperately not to fly into a rage and trash the Pettigrew’s living room.

 

He has to duck slightly to catch Peter’s reply. It’s spoken so softly that his eardrums are barely able to register that Peter spoke at all.

 

_He said he was curious about what it would feel like to be with a real man._

 

Sirius has not ever, not once, not for even half a second, doubted that Remus sees him as the man he is. If the way Remus consistently worships his body is any indication, he sees Sirius as a god more than anything.

 

Unfortunately, five years of love are no match for that one sentence, as it brings forth every self-doubt he ever had when he was a child, every cruel word his mother ever threw at him, every cutting jape his Death Eater cousins have hollered at him as they duel their way through this war.

 

Without warning, Sirius is through the floo and in his own living room, shaking Remus awake from his nest on the couch.

 

_Padfoot, wha-_

 

_Did you cheat on me?_

 

_Sirius, what are you-_

 

_Did you fucking cheat on me, Remus? Yes or no, it’s a simple question. Did you or did you not fuck another man on this past alleged mission?_

 

Remus doesn’t say a word. The tears that fill his eyes and catch on his lashes say everything.

 

_Was it good? Did you like it, the feel of- of a real cock inside you? I bet you fucking loved it, you disgusting slut. Bet you were just gagging for it._

 

_Oh Merlin, Sirius, please-_

 

_Shut the fuck up, Remus. You think I’m so desperate that I need to be with some boring vanilla bloke who wears stupid fucking cardigans and can’t even hold down a job? Fuck you. I can pull the hottest bloke in any room, whether he’s bent or not. I’m fucking amazing, Remus, and I’m too good for a cheating bastard like you who-_

 

Remus is breaking into loud, wailing sobs now, wrapping his arms tightly around his middle as though he’s trying to keep himself from coming apart. Sirius looks at him coldly for a few seconds before turning on his heel and apparating over to Godric’s Hollow.

 

_Oi, Padfoot? It’s nearly midnight, what in Merlin’s name is going on?_

 

_He cheated on me, James._

 

_What? Who?_

 

_Who? Who the fuck do you think? Remus. Remus cheated on me._

 

_What? No, Pads, he could never-_

 

_Yes he could, James, the fucking love of my life went out and screwed around on me, the fucking slag, as if all these years together don’t mean anything-_

 

Sirius keeps flapping his mouth, but no words come out. He turns around in surprise and sees Lily standing there in her dressing gown, looking downright livid as she holds her wand.

 

 _Sirius Orion Black. Remus did not cheat on you._ She removes the silencing spell from his lips.

 

Sirius coughs a bit. _He did, Lily, he admitted to it just now, he fucking admitted-_

 

_Don’t make me silence you again, Black! I am one hundred percent sure that Remus did not cheat on you._

 

_How can you be so sure? What do you know, Lily?_

 

_What do I know? I know Remus, you bloody git! That man has been gone for you since we were kids. It is not possible that Remus has betrayed your trust in any way. I can’t believe that you would-_

 

_Peter saw him, Lils, with his own eyes!_

 

 _Then Peter saw wrong, Sirius. I can’t believe any of this. Ridiculous fools. Stay here, Sirius, stay here with James and don’t you dare move a muscle or so help me._ She is scary enough in her anger that she doesn’t need to finish the threat as she apparates away.

 

James fusses about with some tea and biscuits, but neither of them touch anything on the tray. They sit quietly as the minutes tick by, rolling into hours. It’s half past two when Lily finally apparates back. She’s pale and shaking as she lowers herself into an easy chair. James flies over to her and starts fretting, pulling a blanket around her shoulders. Sirius says nothing, staring at Lily, waiting for her to speak, yet too petrified of what she’ll say to ask her any questions.

 

 _How could you say those things to him, Sirius?_ Lily’s voice is tired and shaky.

 

_I- I told you, he cheated-_

 

_He didn’t cheat, Sirius._

 

_He said he-_

 

_It wasn’t cheating. It was assault._

 

Sirius stops breathing. He feels his stomach lurching.

 

_No. No, Lily, please no._

 

_Yes._

 

_He- he never told me- fuck. Lily, what have I done?_

 

_You did what you always do, Sirius. Jumped into a situation without thinking, anger blazing. How can you be so volatile and yet so bloody predictable at the same time? You’ve cut him to the core, Sirius. I- I don’t know if this is something you can fix. I managed to calm him down, but it took a long time. Maybe you should stay here tonight._

 

Sirius stands up, nearly toppling over as a wave of nausea hits him. _No, I’ll not be leaving him alone. I- I have to fix this._ His hand shakes as he raises his wand to apparate.

 

When he arrives back home, the flat is silent and dark. Sirius walks cautiously to the bedroom, finding the door slightly ajar. He pushes it open. Remus is on the bed, his knees tucked up under his chin, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.  He looks so small and vulnerable. Sirius walks into the room slowly, cautiously sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

_I’m so sorry, Moony. I- I didn’t-_

 

_It’s okay, Padfoot. I understand. I- I was with someone else. You didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve someone like me. You only deserve the best._

 

Sirius bites his tongue, tasting blood. With great difficulty, he speaks slowly and calmly.

 

_Why don’t you tell me what happened, love?_

 

_Dumbledore’s had me working with the werewolf packs. Obviously. I know I couldn’t tell you anything, but I assume you guessed that much. What else would I be doing? What else am I good for?_

 

Sirius cringes. He hadn’t guessed. He’s been so foolish. He knows Remus is talented in so many areas. He always forgets how prejudiced others are.

 

_Anyway … things were going alright. Some packs were … rougher than others, but nothing too bad. Well, sometimes it got pretty bad, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Then on the last mission … the pack leader was a bit more aggressive than the others. Said he wanted to p-put me in my place. Said he wasn’t a f-fucking queer, not like me, but I was still g-good for other things. He b-beat me pretty badly, then he pushed me down on m-my knees and grabbed me by the hair._

 

Remus stops talking. He’s looking down at his fingers, twisting them around each other.

 

_I talked about you too much, I guess. I was trying to show the other wolves, you can be happy without giving yourself up to Voldemort, you can find someone who loves you even though- well. After he was finished, the pack leader told me, good luck going back to your boy toy now, you f-fucking slut. He won’t want you now that you’re t-tainted goods._

 

_He was wrong. He was so very wrong, love._

 

_What? Sirius, no, you don’t have to pretend- I know what I did was unforgivable. I- you were the only man I’d ever kissed, the only man I’d ever been with. That was so special to me, Sirius, and now it’s ruined. I’m ruined._

 

_You’re not ruined. You’re perfect. You’re my perfect Moony and I love you. I love you so much, and it kills me that I hurt you tonight, that I didn’t see what had happened._

 

Remus has tears dripping silently down his cheeks. Sirius doesn’t say anything else. He crawls over to Remus, holding his arms open and enveloping Remus into an embrace. Remus clings to Sirius and sobs, just as he has so many nights over these past months. Only now, Sirius knows why.

 

It doesn’t take Sirius and James long to figure out why Peter was spinning stories, trying to make them distrustful of Remus. Sirius curbs the urge to strangle the rat with his bare hands, and instead accompanies James to meet with Dumbledore and come up with a plan.

 

Sirius grits his teeth while Peter is made secret keeper. He doesn’t say a word when Halloween draws nearer. He remains unruffled when he sees Voldemort strolling up the Potters’ driveway like he owns the place, and does nothing while Dumbledore duels with the dark lord. He follows the aurors’ orders when they finally show up, assisting in carting the subdued wizard off to a special holding cell in Azkaban. He adheres to protocol while the Order and the aurors hunt down the remaining death eaters.

 

He breaks his calm only twice. Once, during that first meeting in Dumbledore’s office, when he splinters a tea tray and tells Dumbledore there’ll be no more missions for Remus, not ever. And again, at the end of it all, when Peter is brought in for questioning, and he smashes his fist into the rat’s nose. Auror Dawlish makes a note in the file that Peter tripped and fell against a cement wall while in custody.

 

Christmas is around the corner. Remus has strung up the flat with horrid flashing lights that warble holiday carols. He bakes about thirty different types of cookies, none of which come out of the oven completely unburnt. He laughs when Sirius charms mistletoe to follow Remus around the flat, hovering not above his head, but over his belt buckle.

 

Sirius has always loved hearing Remus laugh. He’d sacrifice anything to be able to hear that laugh for the rest of his days, but he’s grateful, so grateful, that he hasn’t had to sacrifice a single thing.


End file.
